I've been wanting to set up another blog. Been registering for domains since two years back! But haven't got around to using them.. yes joy i know, I should use livejournal. lol. Somehow I just can't identify with this blog anymore. It's like I used to start off writing really stupid stuff (cuz i was so young!), and then it progressed to being funny/happy thoughts.. But then for some time, I think after america, it became very dark and gloomy. I don't know. Sometimes when I have things I would like to share with people, I would very much like to put it down in words on a blog, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I need a new blog which is more consistent with who I've become. There's just too much randomness in this blog and maybe too much unhappy memories that I've recorded here. Maybe it's time to move on. :(  | tired | May 13, '08 4:25 AM
for everyone |
very tired of being nice to people. and being make use of. and getting nothing in return. tired of my mother and her emotional-unstability. i was so upset today because of a thousand and one things that happened. but i guess the biggest disappointment actually comes from myself. i'm so frustrated that time after time, i keep telling myself not to be so nice and not to let people take advantage of me but it still happens. and when i come home, i have to deal with an emotionally crazy mother. how do i live a life like that? god please let me find peace. I must be stronger.
I feel disturbed these days
When I reflect on myself.
I feel like I have faded in comparison to the picture of my past.
I feel foolish and weak
For even wanting to depend on someone else
Though Julie and I agreed that we should be simpler for the sake of our future (we were talking about how guys prefer simpler girls. haha);
but right now I have this great yearning to go the opposite way.
Sometimes i hate myself for being so naive.
I hate myself for letting my guard down.
I really want to be more independent.
No more hesitations. No more pleas.
 It must be an ominous sign. These broken lenses.
I still feel quite sad over them.
My friend’s SLR camera landed on them accidentally.
With a loud thud of course.
Those glasses of mine
Smashed into pieces.
I feel for them; not because of the price.
This heart of mine- sentimental.
Is this then a reflection of my mind?
Dreams and realities are often so far apart.
Perhaps now that these lenses-
Lenses of naiveness has been smashed to pieces,
I can now see life as how it should really be.
________________________________________
“Let’s dance. Let’s dance.
In this whirlwind of Grey.
Put on a smile in Life’s foolish Play.
We can sing, we can laugh
And act all day.
Bind your emotions
Just throw it away.
I will mirror your actions;
I won’t say a thing.
Shadows will mask the feelings within.
Not a whisper. Not a cry.
I will control and master
My inner emotions, my wants and desires.”
Lena
  2007 has pass. And with less than 20 entries of blogging from me this year. *laughs* It was quite a tough year for me. Having to juggle teaching and schooling. But I've dropped two classes and my O-level students already so now I'm only left with one art class. I couldn't bear to leave them behind. Couldn't bear to part with them. For I realised those children have become a part of me. I was heartbroken when I dropped the Redhill's art class. Now I won't be able to see the autistic-playful boy anymore. Bye Bryan, Rachel, Regine, Zi Wei, Shi Jie, Jamie. The smallest class of my three classes. If I had to leave them all, I think it might leave me in tears.
2007 had turned me into a sentimental person. It was the year which made me realise not to take the people around me for granted. Dec 26 is a day I won't forget. My dad fell seriously sick suddenly and it caught all of us by surprise. He lost control of his body, his mind and slipped into semi-unconsciousness.That moment, a fleeting thought passed through my mind. I thought that I might loose him. As my neighbour carried him down to the car and while we sped to the hospital, I kept calling out his name; I was so afraid that I would loose him forever. I think in that moment I changed.
It made me afraid to lose the people around me. Even right now I do get quite emotional. I'm afraid to be left behind. Afraid to lose the ones I love. Tired of living a life where I just let things pass me by. | quiet | Feb 10, '08 11:05 AM
for everyone |
 The lady and her tea.
One day, if time were to come to a stop, I would want to be in a place where I could overlook the sea. Where there would be no one and I would be alone, (somehow, ideally I wouldn’t be affected) and I could just sit back and take in the smell of the sea. And I would just be sitting there, sipping my tea. A pot of “strawberry-garden” from coffeeclub’s menu would be nice. Maybe some noise from the crashing waves or from the flapping wings of the seagulls above me. And I would reflect and think about the life I had so far. Maybe in that quietness, I would be able to find myself once more. But of course I would not want Time to stop for too long. Loneliness would soon engulf me. Five minutes of quietness would be good. Five minutes to take a breather from this world.  Oh my gosh............. It's been so long since I last blog. I think I have forsaken it for too long. 4 months since my last entry? Haha. Well that just shows how little time I have. And why am I online now? Well, I'm really stress. I just need an outlet. And I've almost forgotten how blogging can help me feel better.
I'm just so tired of everything. Tired of competitiveness, tired of having no time for myself or anyone else. I just met Fadly (to get back my IC! HAhaa! Finally! Sorry fadly!) on Monday and he complained that I totally din make time for them (my poly friends). Sigh. Actually I know all my friends feel neglected. Poor shu shu......... She hasn't seen my face for 2 months already! AHAHaa should be poor me.. I miss my shu shu.. hahaa. And I haven't seen Serene, Ivan, Yeeling, Yi Min, Agnes (I think for over a year??) for so so so so so so long...... This is so terrible. I know that if Reuben was not in university, he would be complaining that I don't have time to meet up with them.. But thank God he's in year 1 this year and more busy than me! HAHA! Finally he gets a taste of uni stress. HAhAHa.. I'm so mean. :| Ya and the only friend I keep seeing is Reuben, cuz now that he goes to the same uni as Lydia, he and lydia's been as close as sister and brother. And for a period Reuben even said that he was my adopted brother (cuz he kept coming to my house for maths tuition from Lydia). AHaHAhaa.......
The year is coming to an end. And 2007 I can say, has been one of the greatest year of my life. I don't know bout grades-wise, but I just feel that I've use my time in 2007 wisely. The reason why I have not been meeting up with anyone much is because I've been working very very hard, teaching art for almost everyday (for one period) and yet having to juggle with studies. I've told myself that even though this sem results must not be full of As, but I think I've really tried my best this sem to juggle studies and work. I really don't know why I was working so hard, and how I even ended up with so many jobs... Teaching part-time for the RC centres from Friday- Saturday (3 classes), even teaching private art tuition to secondary 5 students (2 girls!).... Thank you God for supplying! But! I almost died handling all these responsibilities.. Because of the art O-level kids, for a period before their exam and submission, I was teaching and guiding them for almost everyday. At first I was only suppose to teach one kid, but she brought in a friend, quarrelled, cat-fight! (hehe I'm exaggerating), seperated.. Then the other girl contacted me saying that she really really needed my help so I helped her......
Contrary to what people think, I'm not getting paid alot, cuz it seems that alot of people are forgetting to pay me. !@#$! Sigh. But that's my nature, I don't know how to defend myself sometimes and how to say "NO! I don't want to work for you anymore because you CAN"T PAY ME!!" SIGH! This is what I should be telling all of them but words can't come out.. But at the end of the day, I know I'm working so hard because I want to test myself. To see how much I can handle.. OH and did I mention that I was volunteering at the Singapore Art Museum(SAM) too.. Hahha.. Shu said that I'm so arty.. Art teacher, Art voulunteer, Art student.. Hmmm.. Ya and that's y i'm so bz this sem.. I've devoted most of my time actually trying to build up my career. I'm volunteering at the SAM cuz I wish to go into that line and I know that teaching art has taught me alot of skills. How to handle children, in fact I understand them so well, that it is really very easy for me to plan activities for them (and that's wat I do at SAM). So in a way, they all go hand in hand. And it was really challenging for me this year, to really balance all of these activites.
But I'm so stress now really.. So much things going on in my head and yet no one to rest it on. I've not been going to church alot lately, and I really hate myself for that, but where else can I find the time to juggle all my baggages? And recently my mum keeps bugging me on a topic- Getting Attached!! -_- She keeps asking me to get attached cuz she's so worried that I'll be left on the shelf and she keeps saying that I'm too fussy. But I just don't know how to get "attached" (how do you even know if he's for you? or whether things will work out?). My mum ask me why I din accept any of those guys from the past and I just don't know how to answer her. Does she really think that it's that easy? So irritating. I hope she doesn't bug me tmml bout it again..
And also alot of other things to be confuse over.
God if you hear me, do you think you can send me Mr Superman? Cuz maybe then, he can help me carry some baggages of mine.  On Holidays:
Holidays.. Been very very bz recently. Teaching art to my kids, prepartion for ADM's orientation camp and volunteering at SAM (the art museum shu.. not the machine!! -_- lol).. Not bad a holiday considering that I've fufill almost everything on my holiday list. lol. Everything except for my jewellrey making and sewing classes.. Haha. But it's ok. Met up with alot of friends, had alot of drinking sessions and i read a decent number of books during the hols too! hehe. 4 interesting titles to be exact!
Lena's recent reading list:
1) Do Androids dream of electric sheep? (amazing book about the future considering the fact that it was written in 1968.. Go watch the show Blade Runner too, it's an movie adaptation on the book.. You'll be amazed at how cheem this whole science fiction novel is. lol)
2) Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman (thanks joy!)
3) Fragile Things by Neil Gaiman (joy lent me her precious gaiman's books!)
4) The curious incident of the dog in the night-time (very nice book on austistic children! touching too..)
Gaiman has a really unique way of writing. Strange way of describing things too.. Haha But it's really interesting cuz he's writing is really very contemporary. Very different from the usual prim and proper writers..
On my new job and new challenges:
Yeap am really glad that most of the to-do items on my list are done. :) including that of wanting to work in a museum.. haha. When school reopens, I might not be able to do so much things and have fun anymore. Am taking alot of heavy subjects this sem.. Oh and i took up another job. Lol! Am teaching art tuition to an O-level student. Haha. First time encountering such a request.
But oh well I really wanted to challenge myself and see what I'm really capable of. I guess one reason why I've not been blogging much is that I guess I've pretty much know what I want to do in my life now and spending more time trying to find challenges for myself in the real world. Haha i do miss blogging but I just can't find the time to blog much this days. Or maybe the mood to do so.
On blogging:
Blogging just makes me feel sad sometimes and alone.. Cuz I used to blog alot the last two years.. I blog more when I was staying in hall 11 and when i was feeling really alone. I rem sitting in the corner of my room, blogging. But I just can't bring myself to sit in a corner and do that anymore. I guess moving out of hall 11 made me feel happier and not so lonely. When i was in hall 5, I had nicole and wen chuan so I guess I did not need to feel "connected" to the outside world via blogging.
And now though I know I can record all my happy thoughts via this channel, I guess I just need a new camera to help me get back to wanting to blog. lol. Excuses huh..
On reflections and past mistakes:
Anyway i've been doing alot of reflection this past few months during my hols. Really felt that I've learnt alot and moved on alot in 2007. Sometimes I can't help regretting my past choices. I just feel bad that I've allowed loneliness to engulf me. Feel bad towards Robin too. Sigh. No matter how good he is to me, I just can't bring myself to accept him. I guess I've swept alot of personal stuff under the carpet. But I really feel that I can't lie to myself anymore. Alot of people been getting attached recently and I keep getting bugged about why I'm not attached yet. Alot of my friends are feeling the age thing whereby they feel the need to settle down. I feel like I'm getting old too.. But I really don't want to end up getting attached for the sake of companionship. I feel that in the past, I'm always concern about how others look at me.. Day and night, what ever I do, I am always afraid of how people would judge me. And i guess i was just sick of that. Sick of looking at a reflection that was not me.
On how short hair "liberated" me:
And that's also one of the main reason why i decided to cut my hair. Haha. Yeap pple miss lena has short hair now. Hahahaha. I've not had short hair since sec 2. Almost a decade.. I guess I was tired of being afraid to cut my hair because everyone kept telling me how long hair suited me better. It might have. But i just felt that it was not me.. I told shu that I really feel liberated to have short hair now. Because for the first time in my whole life, I feel confident to be myself. I don't need to be this ideal, gentle lady anymore. I feel more upbeat, more cheerful and more positive. It took me alot of guts to cut off my hair. But I never look back once I make a decision and hence everytime I look into the mirror, my new hair serves as a reminder of my new "life". A reminder that I can depend on myself, and not live a life base on what others want for me. Haha. No more fears and insecurities.
"Alone but not alone".
I've set alot of goals this holidays and I'm really glad that I've acomplished almost all of them. I had a really great holiday this time round. And I bask in the joy of my new found confidence.. For once I really feel that I can depend on myself (and God of course.. :) ) and for once, I'm not afraid to be alone anymore. I've been so busy. And I just don't feel the mood to blog much anymore. Maybe it's due to the lost of my digital camera (lost it in san fransico) or maybe it's due to Multiply not being mac-friendly and the hassle of uploading photos.. And I hate blogs that are all words and no pictures and hence I refuse to blog nowadays.
But just felt that I should update this journal abit. Well, this holiday has been a rather eventful one. I'm really happy with life these days. Been using all the time, splitting it between my family, friends, and my dreams.
I remembered idling my time away the last May-August holiday, giving myself reasons that I was busy with ADM camp. But I know that was not the truth, I was just plain lazy...
Well, but i feel that this time round, I'm changing and I'm starting to take hold of my life and moulding it the way I want it to be. I told Yeeling that I'm really happy cuz I've wrote down a list of goals that I had wanted to accomplish this holiday, and surprisingly, I'm really achieving most of them.
On Family:
I'm a very playful girl, so most of the time, i really hate to be at home. And to cut it short i don't really spend time with my family. But I guess somehow my eyes were opened with my mother's illness. I just felt that I got to grow up. And my third brother just enlisted into army and as Lydia was not talking to him for a long period (some stuff la) I ended up being the guiding one to him. So before he enlisted, I spent time bringing both my brothers to the IT fair, lunch buffet at Kushin Bo, shopping trips, binging sessions, and even exercising! haha.. bascially just spending time with them more. This is significant to me, because I used to be very un-involve with my family. I din realise how much closer we've grew, until my third brother went into army, and I realised that I really missed him alot. (there was a time when I really hated him and we would say really terrible and hurtful things)
And when he enlisted that weekend, I just felt that the house was so empty and quiet due to him and Lydia not being there (lydia had camp that weekend too..). It's strange cuz I never used to miss my family that much. And I'm beginning to want to spend more time with them. :) And on that Sunday evening, feeling lonely from not having 2 of my sibblings at home, I dragged Thomas out to go shopping at Tampines Mall. We ended up buying a 2500 jigsaw puzzle to do.. Haha. True, it's been a long time since we last did one, (we used to do many 1000 piece jigsaw puzzles when we were young and we would make our mum frame them up whenever we finish) but I guess me n Thomas just needed something to sort of fill our life. Thomas's really lonely without Tim now. Well cuz basically my 2 brothers are home-boys and they like to stay at home and play alot of games (so they practically see each other everyday).
But I'm glad that we bought the jigsaw puzzle. (We just have this thing for jigsaws.. It gives you a weird satisfaction whenever you match one piece correctly) And it also gives us the chance to spend time with one another. :) I'm really happy.
Yeap so that's the updates with family. Now to move on to dreams.
On Dreams And My progress on Painting:
Well, I've probably blog before about how I'm interested to work in the Fine Art line- to move on to work in museums. And I really love to paint. But somehow I just can't paint realistically. And I told myself this holiday that I've just got to paint more and to just loosen up. It's hard, but I'm really happy cuz at least I'm not giving up. I've been painting at home too! I even painted Timothy before he enlisted. Haha. I know that my skill is in illustration but I do hope that my paintings of people get better. Maybe I can merge this two areas together. A more illustrative portrait, leaning more to the abstract? Sigh I don't know but I'm glad that I'm using the hols to experiment more.
And my love for Museums: And about dreams.. Just as I love to paint, I love to look at paintings even more. I'm glad that I've acheive my aim of visiting the museums this holiday! Went to the Asian Civilisation Museum with Julie and Joy (and her bf) and had lots of fun there! It was great being able to look at the actual artefacts in real life, having studied them for exams! Haha. And oh I went to the Singapore Art Museum (SAM) this afternoon with Nicole!
To cut it all short, I'm even volunteering at the SAM for their events to promote art to children and youth! Gonna have a meeting with them tmml to brainstorm for publicity for their events. :) And I'm really really excited about that. My progress as an Art Teacher: And things are going well with my art class too. I was very touched when a mother came up to me and told me that I was really a very good art teacher. She told me that she could see that her child was enjoying my classes alot and that she really appreciated me for planning really different things for them to do every week.
Whenever I teach, I know that I take it seriously and I know that the children sense that too. They always say that I've very high standards for them and I know that by the end of each lesson, I wear them out physically. (There was this girl that kept drawing carelessly. She just did it for the sake of drawing. And I just scolded her. I told her to stop being lazy and to finish her work properly cuz she was drawing it so nicely in the beginning.) I think I can be a really scary teacher cuz I do not treat them like children at all, but young artists. And whenever i sense that they are not putting in effort, I'll talk to them (nicely of cuz) and find out why. Updates to parents are given at the end of every lesson and I will try to help them understand their child's progress or the lack of it.
But I'm really happy because I see progress in their drawings and colourings. My kindergarden students are drawing better human figures now. (No more stick men!) And they are also learning to control their oil pastels better. I'm happy! I'm really happy because I know that I have the ability to help children. And though these are small steps to my goal, I know that I'm at least moving. I really want to bring happiness to people's lives. And I know that Art is just one way that I can touch people.
I want to make a difference. I'm starting small but I believe that with determination I can do all things. People are always saying that Singapore's Art Scene is non-existent but I believe that if you hate something, then you gotta help change it. I want to work for the government and I want to be able to open up the eyes of our future generation, to help promote Art. And by volunteering for SAM, and the activities I'm gonna be involved with, I know that I'm starting to draw closer to my dreams.
 everytime i blog, i really do want to blog about happier things.. happier things like moments spent with dear ones or about my holiday activities.... Been meeting up with so many friends. Last night I was telling myself that this is the happiest period ever in my life. I got a wonderful family (temperamental and weird at times.. but overall still a beautiful family), cosy house, a happy dog, understanding and true friends, an meaningful part-time job, an interesting/prospective career path (poorly paid but at least definately more interesting than doing admin jobs.. :x), i dunno.. it just seems that everything has been going so well.. And I do feel (like shuling) that this is the happiest moment of my life.. Everything seems to be going so well.. But you know, life is not always filled with sunny days. Rainy days do come at times.. And right now.. it just seems that drops of doubtfulness and fear, are falling on my head.
My dad sent me to the interchange the other day.. My family being untraditional.. we were never told that when someone drove, someone else have to be polite and sit next to the driver.. so we grew up, being ferried around by my dad, with everyone seating behind him. It was only years later, that when Zhiyong drove me home, i wanted to continue seating at the back, and yeeling told me that it was actually impolite to do that cuz you're treating that person like a taxi driver.. i din noe that..
anyway i brought that story up becuase I'm still seating at the back seat till today and it's not cuz i treat my dad like a taxi driver, it's just cuz, well.. my family is used to it.. and i'm used to it. and anyway i was seating behind my dad, and all of a sudden, i realise that my dad's balding.. When i saw those thin strands of grey hair on his head, it kinda hit me real bad.. like my dad is really old. as in really really old. He's 61 this year- and proud that he's qualified to be a senior citizen. (saves him some money on transportation..-_-) And i just overheard him telling my mum that his kneecap is giving way and that he's starting to walk like an old man. i was already feeling very sad bout my dad being old when my sister msg me in the evening, telling me that my mother is very sick.
it was only when i got home, that i realise that my mum got back her test results. she had went for a body checkup earlier.. My mum's got diabetics.. And the doctor told her that her kidney was affected.. Was very shock. I think it's really time for me to wake up. All of a sudden, i realise that my parents are old. It should be time for them to retire and yet they still have to support us four kids. Me and lydia feel so guilty. My mum worked so hard and i guess it's really affecting her health. She told lydia that she's gonna cut down on her work..
We all know that with this illness, our whole lifestyle have to change. Cut down on salt, sugar.. Change our eating habit.. (diabetics seems to run in the family) And we all know that we must cope with my mother cutting down on her work too.. it means lesser income for the whole household and a much much tighter budget (it's already so tight.. :( ) but putting that aside.. noe why i feel so bad? I just feel that I should be working at 22 instead of having to depend on my parents right now. I wish that I could give them a better life. Send them on holidays and pay for household bills. but i can't. I have to wake up. I really have to. been abit deaf these few days.. sick again. flu, cough, sorethroat, fever.. and the latest symptoms are block ears! resulting in my temporary (i hope) deafness..
so bored today.. I kept calling joyce to disturb her.. Haha i can be so irritating! Slap me. Lol.. Anyway been wanting to update my blog.. but haven't gotten around to it. so much pictures and events i wanna upload here. But blogging these days rather troublesome for me.. Think multiply revamp their scripting thingy and it's not really compatiable with mac.. if i wanna upload multiple pictures (i prefer my entries to have loads of pictures..) it gets really really tricky- i have to search for that particular code/script and enter them at the correct places.. And as I've been bz with projects and exams, really couldn't find the time to update this blog. It's easier to use PC to upload my pics now then a mac.. Stupid multiply.. Ok wenchuan will say it's my fault cuz i'm stupid enough to buy a mac.. -_-
lalala.. i still love my mac. :p shsssss.. Ya so i was so bored..(actually i got alot of things i need to do.. but i just wanna laze around for a day more. haha) i went online to entertain myself.. Then then what was his name? Hmm.. the african guy from last time.. came to talk to me on msn. He ended up calling me on the phone..
I think i must be really bored cuz he was actually quite entertaining to talk to. Lol. He learnt singlish! How cool is that.. Argh.. And his glib tongue la.. Actually i thought he was going back to his country so I thought ok never mind i'll be a nice Singaporean and entertain him abit before he goes back. But he told me he's staying as he wanna see more of my face.. YA RIGHT.. hahaa. Think i'm that gullible? lol.. Joyce and wenchuan says i should just date him.. He might give me a plot of land in return... LOL! -_- lame.. they say he might be some african rich guy.. haha. Shu's doubtful though.. u noe nigerian scams.. what do they call it? lol nvm.. whatever pple.. i'm not interested.. seriously i prefer chinese guys.. sigh. but chinese guys dun like me.. haha. only black guys.. :(
anyway martin's really nice (that's his name right? hmmm..short term memory) so any folks interested? i've been trying to match-make alot of pple recently. haha. oh ya anyway he was talking to me on the phone.. And being rather deaf.. I wanted to say in my singlish way, "Er.. Speak up speak up can.. Talk louder.. I deaf lah.." Hahhaa.. It'll be quite cool to see/hear his reaction.. lol. i'm so crappy. but i'm really quite deaf these few days.. please speak up when you call me on the phone.. lol.. otherwise i'll think that you're mumbling to yourself.. wahahhaa..
anyway i found entertainment! Yeah.. Going out with Shu Shu and Marie for ktv (again) later.. hehe.. yeah... and going sun tanning with joyce at sentosa later.. actually i'm still sick.. but i'm super bored!! Stayed at home the whole of yesterday.. can't take it. Needa go out.. Hmmm.. I wanna go rent a boyfriend for a day.. Everyone's not always free to go out with me. :( i wanna go zoo/night safari/bird park.. Let's be little kids and go excursions leh.. if not when i graduate, i don't think i will be able to have fun anymore.. :(
hello hello.. anyone there? let's go out and be happy.. haha.
haha.. I'm 22 already! so old.. :| but really really very happy right now. Went out with Nicole, Joy, Joyce, Jie ni, Julie, Jeff, Wen chuan the whole day today.. Happy happy. :)
Been so buzy with exams and project datelines (my last min works.. :( ) that I almost forgotten that april 30 was my birthday. Haha. So dear friends if you've forgotten mine, haha it's ok cuz i almost forgotten it myself. So when Joyce asked me if i was free on Monday i was like oh sure. then when i was checking my calendar i was staring at it for some time, like i know i have something on on april 30th but i couldn't remember what. Lol. Had to think for sometime. :p
Ya.. and Lydia's having exams till friday.. so she doesn't have time to be excited (she would usually make alot alot of plans for it :| ) over it or remind me bout it. haha. Yeap. And if Nicole, Joy, Joyce, Jie ni, Julie, Jeff, Wen chuan, i would have stayed at home (cuz i'm the only holidaying one among all my working friends..) and perhaps watch cartoons? Lol.. how sad right.. So really happy that all of them accompanied me today. thank you thank you guys.. And thanks everyone for all the birthday wishes. I feel very happy that you guys remembered. It's enough for me. *smile* Feel so happy today.. Below: A pleasant surprise- my bday cake "made" from donuts.. :) 
Below: Donut time 
And it was really very entertaining to go ktv with all of them.. Haha first time hearing some of them sing.. So funny.. *clap hand* So entertaining. Will upload the pictures of today soon when Jie ni (er hem... hehe) has send them to me. Hehe.
Anyway me and Joy agrees that our bank account is depleting at a very fast rate.. especially during the hols.. gasp. I feel like a tai-tai these 2 days! Had crystal jade for lunch today and karaoke for entertainment today. Know what I did yesterday after church?! Gasp.. Lydia due to exam stress wanted to go eat SASHIMI.. -_- she wanted to go all the way to liang court to eat genuine japanese food but i was too lazy.. so she drag me to chijmes instead.. Stupid sister! Made me so broke.. -_- you and your expensive tastebuds.. -_-
Ya so we went to this chjimes japanese restaurant- Sun. Oooo good ambience and really really good japanese food. Go read Lydia's blog if you want a food description. haha. ANyway the sashimi was really fresh! Felt so happy after devouring those few precious pieces with Lydia. :( want more! And the beef paper steamboat was really really good- tender pieces that melt in your mouth. Yummy.. hehe.
Below: We ordered this bento set that came with sahsimi.. It came with alot of side dishes too! Simply mouth-watering! 
Below: The delicious beef slices simply melts in your mouth!! 
Ya.. ok so the bill amounted to $30 each.. Sigh.. Stupid sister. Eat one lunch deplete my account by so much.. Your sister here is a very poor, struggling student ok! My money now not only goes to taxi uncles, it goes to my sister's tummy! ok mine too.. :p
Then after that, I met up with Shu shu for a short while.. Went window shopping with her (cuz we're both so poor.. haha) and then after much much much thought and hesitation, I decided to cut my hair with her.. hhaha. We've both been wanting to do something to our hair for very long.. So snip snip. I cut my fringe.. And no! It doesn't look like Lydia's stupid fringe. hahha. Yeap..
Do i look like a little girl? haha.. never mind.. I need to start looking younger! hahha.
AND.. then for dinner. guess where i ate at!? At chijmes again.. Thanks to lydia's expensive tastebuds.. lol.. She drag my whole family (they dun usually step out of tampines u noe.. hah) to chjimes' Lei garden. A very expensive, very famous, top-cantonese restaurant in Singapore.. Gasp.. The FOOD. GloRIOUS FOOD. SO SO delicious.. I felt as though i was at a wedding dinner! oh.. but so so expensive too.. Shsss.. Won't tell you the price.. And i think i won't blog bout what i ate there.. haha. jealousy is not good. hhaa. Hmmm.. but i so want to post pictures of what i ate.. :( i seldom eat such GOOD food.. haha.
Below: Thomas is so shy.. :( 
Below: We ate Peking duck too!! OOoO! So yummy.. 
Below: Gasp! Shark fin for my birthday dinner!! Muhahaha.. Can you see the big chunky pieces of shark fin? hehe..
Yeap.. So 2 days of tai-tai life.. Hmmm.. I'm staring at the sky now.. So need money to drop down. lol. Anyway so thank you guys once again for this happy day. I'm really contented to receive all the bday wishes from you. Thank you thank you! Now it's my turn to try to remember yours.. haha.
had a really bad craving to watch movies yesterday and today. :( but nobody's free to watch with me on these 2 days.. :( how sad. Mon and tuesday are my "free-er" days.. it's also harder to get pple to watch movies with me recently. cuz i'm in boon lay most of the time and it is very troublesome to go out all the way to town to watch a movie. and my ntu friends are all bz working on their projects. sigh. I'm so sad.. Went home yesterday hoping to meet up with some pple (er hem.. lol).. but reu was sick, and both ivan and shu was bz dating.. Sigh. And lydia.... Hmmm.. Lydia was just too worried bout her toenail to go anywhere.. AHahhaa. kidding. go read her lame blog to hear her whine bout her toenail. lol. Such a sad life.
Anyway i feel much better since the last blog entry.. Rem how stress i was feeling? Hee. Went out with Shu, Reu and Lydia last thursday night.. Haha. It's great to have weird and crappy friends (yes shu i'm talking bout you! AHhaha) that entertain me with their "hairy" talk all night.. hahaa. Shu-ling => forest? ahaha. so lame. slap me. haha. but it was quite hilarious to see reu so freak out by.. er..... HAIR. lol. lots of it. hahaa. ya me shu, reu went to vivocity's marche to grab dinner while waiting for Lydia..
Below: Shu n reu at Marche.. 
At first, i was quite hesitant to meet them, because i was so worried bout my projects.. I wanted to postpone it but i know that it would be quite hard for them to go clubbing on a weekdaynight as they all would have to work the next day.. And friday being a good friday, well i guess it might have been our only chance clubbing on a weekdaynight. But i'm rreally glad that i went out with them.. laughing at their lame jokes really made me feel much better.. yeap yeap..
Oh and our plan was to go cafe del mar initially.. but upon reaching there and sleeping on their sandy beds.. we realised that it was too itchy and boring to stay there.. lol.
So we decided to head to st james power house for a more happening environment. haha. Met up with Lydia's lindy-hop friends there.. So COOl! They went to Belini room to do lindy-hopping and they even brought their props along- straw hats, and suspenders.. COOl.. Oh.. ya lydia dance lindy-hop.. But she's really BAD.. AHHAHAhaa... oh poor sister.. you know we don't have very good genes- we can't dance or sing or act.. LOL.. :x muhahaha... Cuz i don't think that lydia's dancing most of the time.. rather, she's spinning around dizzily.. lol.. Poor Shuo han.. sister dear we got two left feets you know. HAHaha. i'm so mean.. Below: pics of us at st james.. smile smile. :) 
Anyway to cure myself of the boredom bug, i decided to draft a list of things that i'm gonna do during my 4-mths holiday!! YEAH!! hehehe.. i had a very bad week last week.
Mon- Woke up late around 8am.. Tried getting a cab but alas it was peak hours and many BAD BAD people cut me and lydia's queue! ARGH! We only got a cab 35 minutes later.. And I still had to drop Lydia off at NUS. Guess what time i reached school? and guess how much was my taxi fare.. sigh.. I was one hr late for deborah (i think i'm seriously blacklisted by all lecturers), reached at 10 am and my taxi fare was $31!!! Pple can you sympathise with me.. Lol. Din go for Kc's consultation cuz i had nothing to show him.. And i din noe he would be so touchy over it..
Tue- KC sent me hate mail!!!! :(
"Dear Lena,
Due to a conflict in my schedule, I’ve to move our meeting for tomorrow from 3:30 – 4:00 to 2:30 – 3:00.
The sign up sheet is intended for Monday, when we regularly meet for class but you showed up after class at 5:10 PM yesterday.
I’m concerned with your lackluster performance this semester. Be informed that you’ve had two absences so far (1/29 and 3/5). With yesterday’s late, you can be considered for another absence, for a total of three which means a drop of a letter in your final grade.
Regards, XXXX (name censored)"
ARGH! Stupid Tuesday!!
Wednesday- Had to go see KC.. I think he seriously hates me.. He only do certain things to me and me only!! :( I went to see him and he was like, "Lena lena.. what am i going to do with you.." Blah blah.. and he went on to write me a word.. "CAPRICE" on a paper and then push it across the tables to me. "Do you know what this word means?" Well i'll give you a job- go find out what it means.."
Thus i went to google it..
Definition of caprice (noun)
sudden, unpredictable or whimsical change; impulse
Examples of caprice
The caprice with which the couple approached the change of plans was evidence to their young age.
The king ruled by caprice as much as law.
!!!! ROAR ROAR ROAR!!! ARGH ARGH ARGH! No comments. KC do you really hate me that much.. :(
Sigh..
Thursday- Bad quiz! Whatever we spotted did not come out.. Sigh. And when we were preparing for our fri's presentation, some silly year 1 had to come running..... In his hurry, he tripped over Joy's power adaptor causing her powerbook (and our powerpoint slides) to go crashing down onto the floor.. Poor Joy!! And it seems like our whole grp presentation (for mastering com) seems to be fraught by many mishaps.. Pure suayness..
Friday- Presentation day! Can you believe our luck!? The printer wouldn't print well.. It started to rain!!! And we had to make our way from ADM to canteen A in the rain.. Gd thing we had Jie ni's and Joy's (cannot make it) umbrella to shelter 4 of us.. -_-
And then.........
The lift broke down!! ARGH! How suay is that.. LOL. Everything was like against us! First the weather, then the lift!
Gd thing our presentation was alright.
And friday night..... SIGH. Everytime I go to my kindergarden class with hopes of turning them into fine master artists one day.. But after every lesson, i feel like pounding my chest and screaming to the sky.. Those brats!!! No matter what I do!! They don't want to listen to me! I caught a sneaky boy trying to play with water again.. and i gave him a trashing. SIGH! I hate to scold little children. But i do believe in discplining the child properly. Last week I smack that naughty boy's hand (lightly lah) and I told him in a firm voice never to do it again.. Yet this week............ SOB SOB SOB. After every lesson with them, I feel like I'm a failure in teaching them. Sigh. I had so much hopes and dreams of wanting to teach them how to do MANY MANY things.. but apparently I forgot that at the end of the day, they are just children.. Cannot even control the pencil.. how to control paint brush?? :( So sad...
Saturday- Oh.. sat was ok.. My children in the primary school class was good. The hyperactive child managed to do his drawing.. and I was really really happy (picture below.. we're working on the super idol theme this week! :) ). Made me feel like teaching is quite rewarding sometimes.. But i really do hope that he behaves himself every week. Lena lena!! You must perservere!! GO GO GO!! -_- selt encouragement.. lol
Went out with Ivan, reu, yeeling and Shu for KTV too.. Was so happy to see Yeeling after so long.. She just came back from China from her work trip.. Was really happy to see Ivan too.. Everyone's been really bz working.. :(
Was really glad to see everyone and I was finally feeling happy that i was getting a break from my tiring week.
Sun- Went church and after that me, lydia and Yeeling went to Menotti's @ Raffles city.. OOoo.. Finally nice cakes and tea!! Hahahaa.. Been so long since i last went for high tea.. :( The last time was like last semester? Before I went to Vancouver/America..
I dont know why.. But i feel busier this semester. It might be cuz of my 5 day week. Couldn't go out for shopping/ or tea sessions. sigh. haven't shop since i last came back from overseas. and i am always broke. have to keep borrowing money from nicole/lydia/shuling.. Er who else? sorry pple.. i will pay you all back when i get my $$.. My debts keep adding up. :( I owe lydia more than $100 already.. ARGH! SO SAD LIFE! NO MONEY!! WHY? I never go out much this sem, i never go shopping.. Hmmm.. i think it's the cab. sigh.
Mon- Yesterday. I was really down yesterday. After Kc's lesson. Sigh. And maybe was just tired of pple telling me to buck up. I know everyone's concern. But I feel so pressurized. Like i keep getting negative things.. I just someone to tell me happy things and to make me laugh. Not telling me what i know already. :( I was just so overwhelmed yesterday. Sigh. It got to a point I just needed to burst. And i did.. In the com lab. -_- I just started going 'ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I think all the year ones think i'm weird (but Joy says it's the truth that i'm weird.. :( lol)
Then I just felt like i couldn't take it. Wanted to go to the toilet to cry to Lydia but no reception. SUAY. Went outside to the pond area. Couldn't find a corner.. Sigh. Then half way while i was sobbing everyone started appearing- Julie, Joy, joyce, jeff.. But it was nice to have friends to talk to..
Just that.... Sometimes I just need someone to give me a hug and tell me silly things. Really felt like I needed someone's shoulder to cry on yesterday.. sigh. yesterday was overwhelming. Not in the tiring sense, just felt like there were all this pressure building up inside me.. Some what like a hot air balloon. And i just needed to POP. And i did.
And it made me realize that I don't need a romantic guy, neither do i need someone so serious.. Just someone who knows how to balance life with laughter.
Have you met bubbles? He's my panda soft toy. haha. decided to cheer and entertain myself by dancing to korean music with him. Lol. silly things i do. Bubbles say "Hi!! Do have a good day!"
I must remind myself to keep smiling.     sometimes i'm afraid to show people this other side of me. the side that likes to be quiet and alone. maybe i'm afraid of this "me" too.
in the past, I welcomed bus rides alone.. Especially on rainy days. I would watch the rain drops fall.. I would think of sad moments and they would seem to fade away with the rain drops. Bus rides allowed me to dream up visions and think about life too.
maybe it has got to do with how i was brought up. when i was young, my parents didn't allowed us to go to the playground often as they were over-protective.. We grew up just playing with each other in the house (thank god my parents had four children).. Alot of time was also spent in our library at home. We had these huge room with huge cupboards, filled with all types of books. And me and lydia spent alot of time just reading.. It started with my mother waging dollar notes in front of me to get me to read.. But it ended up being my hobby.. Reading allowed me to be by myself and books described to me a world I did not know so well. They transported me to places, and most of all, gave me a peek into a life with friends. That is why i like reading so much. Much more than tv at that time.. because i could create worlds in my head, with details all dreamed up by me.
And maybe that's why i treasure my friends so much. because i used to know a world with few of them. People always narrate to me about their childhood- playing with their neighbours, or cousins.. But somehow I don't seem to be able to say the same thing. My friends were my books. I used to be even quieter than Lydia.. and I would stick really close to her and say very few words. People always see me sulking and i really hated smiling because it made me feel weird. And I never made enemies.. Because I'll always give in to others.. I just wanted people to like me. Maybe that's y up to now, I'm still very agreeable. I'll try to avoid confrontational events if possible.
And I guess that's why I liked my secondary school so much. Though it was not an elite sch and I was forced to be separated from Lydia (my grades were too poor cuz i was too lazy! :x), I learnt alot. I learnt to talk loudly.. Learnt to laugh out loud. Learnt to show people that i was angry. in other words, i learnt how to show human emotions. I think very few people are aware of how I was like in the past.. A very quiet and gloomy girl. Maybe i should post pictures.. Hmm but i hated taking pictures in the past, so very few exist of me at that time.
I think Reuben and Shuling met me at my transitional stage of life.. When I was learning to talk more.. That is why memories of me being really really sweet still exist in their mind.. Cuz now i just seem to be unable to stop talking.. AHahaa! (and i guess that is why i treasure them so much..)
But there are times when the old me resurfaced.. and I just want to go to a quiet corner, and take out a book to read. To just have a frown from moments of deep concentration and not need to smile.  i've been feeling lost recently. i don't really know myself anymore. i realized that i've changed alot over these past two years. so much skeletons in my closet that some will never know.
i'm quite sick of people who just think that i'm a hee-hee-ha-ha girl. Frankly speaking, sometimes I feel like just throwing my smiles away and be anti-social for once. I'm tired of people thinking that I'm some dainty, rich mistress.. "Oh lena? oh.. she's so lady-like.. so gentle.. blah blah.." I feel quite tired of it. Sigh. Somtimes I feel that I have to conform to the image people have of me. I'm not allowed to be angry. Not allowed to be quiet.
I think nobody will understand this strong urge of mine to just cut off my long hair.
I've been talking alot about the new children in my life. That's because they have caused me to do alot of thinking. I think these few weeks, people caught a glimpse of who I used to be- a genuninely happy person.
Seriously, those who are closer to me knows that I've been hating and dreading to have children. In fact these two years, I felt that they were more of a burden than a joy. I felt that they would cause me to loose my dreams and hopes of a successful life. It seems weird but i really don't know what caused me to change so much over the past few years. Maybe it was the fear of ending up like my mother. She seemed so bitter about life and about having us sometimes.. Maybe it was this constant reminder to myself never to be bitter like my mother..
But yet I still got caught up with this dream of just being this hardworking career woman (like her?). And perhaps I just wanted live life for myself. No room for other distractions. Just me, my life and hope of a good future.
I guess going overseas changed me too. I caught a glimpse of a simpler but contented life. Life was slower. People were not just caught up with the rat-race of climbing the corporate ladder but instead they spent valuable time in the company of their loved ones. You see the love in their eyes, happiness that really glow from deep within. That's something money and success can never bring.
What is my aim in life? I always tell myself that it is to be genuinely happy. Then why am I caught up in this aimless pursuit of superficial-success?
Why did I become so bitter and materialistic these two years? What was i hoping to accomplish? In hope that I would be focused enough to one day be a successful career woman?
That day I was talking to Royston on msn.. I think my nick was something like "pondering thoughts".. Well we talked, and I told him that I had dreams of being a business woman and blah blah.. He was shocked that happy-go-lucky lena had such dreams. Lol. Seriously.. I think people really have this weird idealistic impression of me=> Just a forever happy, sweet, gentle, peaceful girl.. I seriously should go cut my hair.
And it must be weird for people to realize that I really like to work.. especially when i always push aside my projects till the last minute. I really can't explain that feeling. I like embracing responsiblity when I'm ready. And when i do, i give it my all. (I guess it's the same for my attitude towards a relationship?)
But I have such conflicting thoughts running through my head. How do I continue pursuing my dreams without being drown by this never-ending rat race in singapore?
Recently I've been dreaming alot about little children. It's quite weird to have this sudden transformation in me. But i guess children just have this simple innocence around them that breaks down this bitterness in me.
*i have this sudden urge to lie down on a huge field.. Just by myself.. To stare at the sky and hear the wind embrace me..*
Recently I've been busy handling projects and work.. Still trying to juggle the two.. Not really used to balancing them both but really glad that I'm able to teach now.. At least there's a more meaningful purpose in my life now. I'm supposed to meet up with alot of people last saturday- Zhili (to go cut hair with her), Shu and Marie (to celebrate Shu's last weekend of freedom.. she started her new job on mon!) and Reu, Ivan and Yeemin (reu wanted to meet up for dinner..) But i had to cancel or turn down all of them.. Cuz I really couldn't finish my projects on time.. The curse of the last minute worker.. :( So sad.. Sorry guys..
But since I haven't met up with any of you guys yet.. I shall update you all bout my life here. Hahaha.. Besides being stuck in hall (doing last min work. :( ), I've been learning how to play mahjong too!.. Oops..
Haha.. No lah.. Cuz this gathering was arranged a week back so I decided to go (despite my workload) and to just catch up with my classmates.. We had the mini class gathering at Joyce's room.. Haha.. Learning mahjong is so fun!!. Looking forward to playing it again.. Ooo itchy fingers.. Anyway know why i like mahjong so much??? AHhaha.. Cuz it makes me feel like a tai tai!! HAhaha haven't been eating my high-teas recently.. TOo busy.. So "swimming" with the tiles helps rekindle my "tai-tai-ness".. AHHAhahhaa.. I'm so crappy..
Anyway I've updated a mini-slideshow below.. Argh.. It looks quite cheesy huh especially with my lame comments like: "Nicole is concentrating very hard.." AHHAhahha.. But Hmmm sometimes cheesy is good.. Muhahhaa. aiyah ok la next time i shall stick to photos..
Joy joy.. Mahjong session again!!!! QUick quick quick.. Before I need to rush for KC or deborah's work... And Shu, Reu, Ivan...You guys better arrange to go out with me this 2 weeks.. If not you wun see me for a long long time.. :( sob. I want to go out and play.. :(
 these days i've been very busy. anyway for those who do not know, I'm officially an art teacher. haha. I've been going down for trial lessons and briefing since feb but onli started my official art classes last friday and saturday. Teaching three classes now to kindergarden and primary school children. it's not as easy as it seems.. I have to prepare for art classes and I've to manage so many talkative children. but it's so rewarding when i see their eyes lit up whenever they understand. I like it when they all laugh loudly at my lame jokes and when they come over to hold me hand and tell me about their days.
it's really been so long since i last work with children. I think i've forgotten what real innocence is like. These past 3 years.. I've been living a life just for myself.. How to get more money, how to get more time for myself, how to just have fun. I've forgotten what it was like to want to care for others. Haha. Some people might still find that I'm a nice and sweet person. Blah blah. lol. but that's cuz you haven't met me in the past. the one child that influence my life the most would have to be cassalyn. She's not a child anymore. But I'll never forget my memories with her. The day i met her when she was a primary 5 kid (I was only 15 then) and how she chase Reuben away with a broom(or mop?) because she wanted to protect me from a guy she deemed was bad to me. She influence my life so much it's ironic that I only realise this when I'm much older. All along perhaps I thought that it would be the other way round, and that all i hoped for was to be a good role model and friend to her.. Haha Cassalyn now you know my thoughts.. maybe being an art teacher now.. it brings back so much memories. of dreams and hope and innocence. watching those children laugh. i'm almost forgotten what it feel likes to be innocently happy. there's no terms or conditions. just pure happiness. Yesterday, me, wen chuan and joyce had "sword fights".. lol Wen chuan fashion two swords out of Joyce's left-over styromfoam board. We were really bored in KC's lesson and we just started playing with the "swords". And after that I duel with Joyce... It resulted in the death of the two swords.. ahahaa. but in a way, i caught a glimpse of that child-like happiness in that moment. just to not care about your image for that few minutes and let go and be crazy. Haha.. but then again i think i'm always not acting like a proper adult. I just want to be innocently happy again. | |
